come and take a journey in my shoes and look at the world through the eyes that dont sleep. what you learn you will never forget. what you didnt learn isnt necessary
i feel cool sometimes because i can say that…. and actually mean it. haha
whenever i dj parties, theres always those people that ask me how its like to be a dj. so i figured, why not make a collection of stories from my experiences?
“The Life and Times of a DJ”
vol.1 coming soon. wait on it.
im looking through all these issues of vogue and glamour magazines (thank you roommate!) because im looking for a really good psych paper topic. i already found one so now im writing a post.
something struck me as odd though, as i was reading through them, i kinda understood some of the articles about advice on make up and fixing yourself. (girl wise)
im a guy and i know a LOT of things about make up. well quite a bit for a straight dude at least. i dunno i just found it interesting to learn about. putting on make up is like an art form. and i like art! sooo…. theres the correlation. lol! i know a bunch of the terminology and a few more things that people dont yet know about.
i blame michelle phan… shes hot. shes probably the reason why i know all these things.
kinda gay. but whatever. i like learning about new things regardless what its on.
fuck it, i dunno?
ive seen these! theyre the mighty wallets! LOL theyre just made of stronger paper. they sell them at at store in china town for like 10 bucks!
ic3d:
and what a journey it was! i was suprised my last deeper post got a bunch of responses. i guess it was a hot topic. people sent stuff either through texts or reblogs and i want to say thanks to all those who gave me their opinions.
and the verdict is: i dont know what im doing. and i wont know for a while.
and i thought about that for a while. and i thought why not make it the topic of my 400th post?
so here we go…
Who am I and where am i going?
its a phrase that seems to be the theme of my tumblr. well to me, the answer is that no one really knows. even if you have a “plan” you still dont know.
we spend our lives trying to figure it out. we’re trying to figure out what the meaning of life is or where the future takes us. but honestly i think that when we die, its where we were supposed to be. the lives we lead now will take us to that place in the future.
(BTW dont ever quote me on what i say in any of my tumblr posts because im VERY aware that my opinions in posts are often hypocritical of my other ones. what? do you want me to have only one mindset and view for the rest of my life? fuck off!) lol
but yeah, as i was saying, the lives we lead now will take us to where we are in the future so we shouldnt worry about whats going to happen. instead we should worry about whats happening. ive been known to think waaay too much about anything. i think way too much about any given situation, running the probabilities in my head about each outcome (thanks stats). but i make the wrong choices anyway (thanks stats…) i know now that im bound to make the wrong decisions so theres no use in being afraid of them. i think being afraid of anything is a waste of time. granted im scared of a lot of things too. (spiders!) but im just acknowledging the fact that we shouldnt fear anything. life is too short to feel anything negative really. we all waste our time and emotions feeling sad or frustrated over something thats probably terribly retarded. sometimes i feel like people deliberately try to find things to be frustrated about. people just seem so cynical and jaded about anything and cant seem to just be happy and enjoy anything. i hate those people. it really does take the buzz out of my day when im attacked with cynicism. an example would be like this…
me: DUDE you gotta try this burrito! its super good!
some bitch: naw dude theres this taco place by my house thats way better! its the best!
me: what? uhh why?
some bitch: it just tastes better. trust me.
i hate it when people say that kinda stuff where they think that their shit is much better just because of some stupid reason. and they think its and they think the reason is legit but theyre just actually super biased.
i never said my burrito was the best, i just said it was really good. i dont need you to pretty much tell me that my burrito sucks and that you know where the best burritos in the world are…
but that was just an example. this goes for pretty much anything though. i absolutely hate that shit.
thats why i think if you notice that when you talk to me about my opinion on something i always say shit like “its pretty good, its really good, or its alright or i dunno i didnt really like it too much” ill never ever go to the extremes like “HOLY FUCK this shit is the best in the WORLD! everything else sucks compared to this!” or “this possibly is the worst shit ever in history” ill never say that shit cuz i havent had the best or the worst of anything. only on my death bed can i determine what the best things in my life were. i dont need other people tell me so. an example in my life would be that i honestly honestly would rather buy a burrito from the greasy ass La Estrella taco truck on eagle rock blvd than from Chipotle, ANYfuckingDAY!
WOOOW terribly off topic…
life should be celebrated. and its such a waste of time to be dramatic, judgmental, cynical, jaded, and overall frustrated with anything.
just be happy, and be happy with yourself. thats something that ive repeatedly tried to do. being happy with myself is probably the hardest thing ever. i thought that if i changed id be much happier but it ended up making me more miserable. and i realized that youre fine the way you are. if people tell you that you should be acting a different way to be “better” Fuck them. you dont need them. and fuck yourself if you think you have to change to be better. but do you know who you need to be? no? ha dont feel too bad because as i said, no one really knows.
so this concludes my 400th post. its not as good as some of my other ones but again, im not sad today so my true potential hasnt been unleashed. lol.
if youre reading this, thanks for following me and letting me know your opinions. ( i really didnt think people read my blogs, it was mostly for myself anyway)
but yeah, ill have way more posts to come and ill continue the journey of becoming who i need to be.
so to answer the question of who i need to be or,
who am i and where am i going?
my answer?
fuck it, i dunno?
hey i read your blog! lol. My opinion in life? Live life for the present with the thought of the future. Who you need to be? that would determine on you and your situation in life right now along with different elements such as who is important to you, what is important to you and what makes you happy or even just content. Life also cannot be completed without a series of goals. Without goals or intentions of the future, it makes the present worthless and boring to live in; hence the people that always bitches on why they hate life. It’s okay if you don’t have any big life goals at the moment. Goals can start small and can even be a day to day thing such as taking out the trash in the morning or running three times a week. From there, you can build your goals up making it bigger and more meaningful. It also helps making goals that are reachable too along with a number of goals that obviously would take years or even decades to accomplish. Having a list of these goals is always good too, I personally have a list of goals I make every new year in my agenda. That way you can see what you have accomplished by the end of the year. You’ll be amazed at how many things can get crossed off. I guess to wrap things up, basically the goals you are working on are the present times that you live up and your goals are the intentions and thoughts you have for the future.
ic3d:
and what a journey it was! i was suprised my last deeper post got a bunch of responses. i guess it was a hot topic. people sent stuff either through texts or reblogs and i want to say thanks to all those who gave me their opinions.
and the verdict is: i dont know what im doing. and i wont know for a while.
and i thought about that for a while. and i thought why not make it the topic of my 400th post?
so here we go…
Who am I and where am i going?
its a phrase that seems to be the theme of my tumblr. well to me, the answer is that no one really knows. even if you have a “plan” you still dont know.
we spend our lives trying to figure it out. we’re trying to figure out what the meaning of life is or where the future takes us. but honestly i think that when we die, its where we were supposed to be. the lives we lead now will take us to that place in the future.
(BTW dont ever quote me on what i say in any of my tumblr posts because im VERY aware that my opinions in posts are often hypocritical of my other ones. what? do you want me to have only one mindset and view for the rest of my life? fuck off!) lol
but yeah, as i was saying, the lives we lead now will take us to where we are in the future so we shouldnt worry about whats going to happen. instead we should worry about whats happening. ive been known to think waaay too much about anything. i think way too much about any given situation, running the probabilities in my head about each outcome (thanks stats). but i make the wrong choices anyway (thanks stats…) i know now that im bound to make the wrong decisions so theres no use in being afraid of them. i think being afraid of anything is a waste of time. granted im scared of a lot of things too. (spiders!) but im just acknowledging the fact that we shouldnt fear anything. life is too short to feel anything negative really. we all waste our time and emotions feeling sad or frustrated over something thats probably terribly retarded. sometimes i feel like people deliberately try to find things to be frustrated about. people just seem so cynical and jaded about anything and cant seem to just be happy and enjoy anything. i hate those people. it really does take the buzz out of my day when im attacked with cynicism. an example would be like this…
me: DUDE you gotta try this burrito! its super good!
some bitch: naw dude theres this taco place by my house thats way better! its the best!
me: what? uhh why?
some bitch: it just tastes better. trust me.
i hate it when people say that kinda stuff where they think that their shit is much better just because of some stupid reason. and they think its and they think the reason is legit but theyre just actually super biased.
i never said my burrito was the best, i just said it was really good. i dont need you to pretty much tell me that my burrito sucks and that you know where the best burritos in the world are…
but that was just an example. this goes for pretty much anything though. i absolutely hate that shit.
thats why i think if you notice that when you talk to me about my opinion on something i always say shit like “its pretty good, its really good, or its alright or i dunno i didnt really like it too much” ill never ever go to the extremes like “HOLY FUCK this shit is the best in the WORLD! everything else sucks compared to this!” or “this possibly is the worst shit ever in history” ill never say that shit cuz i havent had the best or the worst of anything. only on my death bed can i determine what the best things in my life were. i dont need other people tell me so. an example in my life would be that i honestly honestly would rather buy a burrito from the greasy ass La Estrella taco truck on eagle rock blvd than from Chipotle, ANYfuckingDAY!
WOOOW terribly off topic…
life should be celebrated. and its such a waste of time to be dramatic, judgmental, cynical, jaded, and overall frustrated with anything.
just be happy, and be happy with yourself. thats something that ive repeatedly tried to do. being happy with myself is probably the hardest thing ever. i thought that if i changed id be much happier but it ended up making me more miserable. and i realized that youre fine the way you are. if people tell you that you should be acting a different way to be “better” Fuck them. you dont need them. and fuck yourself if you think you have to change to be better. but do you know who you need to be? no? ha dont feel too bad because as i said, no one really knows.
so this concludes my 400th post. its not as good as some of my other ones but again, im not sad today so my true potential hasnt been unleashed. lol.
if youre reading this, thanks for following me and letting me know your opinions. ( i really didnt think people read my blogs, it was mostly for myself anyway)
but yeah, ill have way more posts to come and ill continue the journey of becoming who i need to be.
so to answer the question of who i need to be or,
who am i and where am i going?
my answer?
fuck it, i dunno?
hey i read your blog! lol. My opinion in life? Live life for the present with the thought of the future. Who you need to be? that would determine on you and your situation in life right now along with different elements such as who is important to you, what is important to you and what makes you happy or even just content. Life also cannot be completed without a series of goals. Without goals or intentions of the future, it makes the present worthless and boring to live in; hence the people that always bitches on why they hate life. It’s okay if you don’t have any big life goals at the moment. Goals can start small and can even be a day to day thing such as taking out the trash in the morning or running three times a week. From there, you can build your goals up making it bigger and more meaningful. It also helps making goals that are reachable too along with a number of goals that obviously would take years or even decades to accomplish. Having a list of these goals is always good too, I personally have a list of goals I make every new year in my agenda. That way you can see what you have accomplished by the end of the year. You’ll be amazed at how many things can get crossed off. I guess to wrap things up, basically the goals you are working on are the present times that you live up and your goals are the intentions and thoughts you have for the future.
and what a journey it was! i was suprised my last deeper post got a bunch of responses. i guess it was a hot topic. people sent stuff either through texts or reblogs and i want to say thanks to all those who gave me their opinions.
and the verdict is: i dont know what im doing. and i wont know for a while.
and i thought about that for a while. and i thought why not make it the topic of my 400th post?
so here we go…
Who am I and where am i going?
its a phrase that seems to be the theme of my tumblr. well to me, the answer is that no one really knows. even if you have a “plan” you still dont know.
we spend our lives trying to figure it out. we’re trying to figure out what the meaning of life is or where the future takes us. but honestly i think that when we die, its where we were supposed to be. the lives we lead now will take us to that place in the future.
(BTW dont ever quote me on what i say in any of my tumblr posts because im VERY aware that my opinions in posts are often hypocritical of my other ones. what? do you want me to have only one mindset and view for the rest of my life? fuck off!) lol
but yeah, as i was saying, the lives we lead now will take us to where we are in the future so we shouldnt worry about whats going to happen. instead we should worry about whats happening. ive been known to think waaay too much about anything. i think way too much about any given situation, running the probabilities in my head about each outcome (thanks stats). but i make the wrong choices anyway (thanks stats…) i know now that im bound to make the wrong decisions so theres no use in being afraid of them. i think being afraid of anything is a waste of time. granted im scared of a lot of things too. (spiders!) but im just acknowledging the fact that we shouldnt fear anything. life is too short to feel anything negative really. we all waste our time and emotions feeling sad or frustrated over something thats probably terribly retarded. sometimes i feel like people deliberately try to find things to be frustrated about. people just seem so cynical and jaded about anything and cant seem to just be happy and enjoy anything. i hate those people. it really does take the buzz out of my day when im attacked with cynicism. an example would be like this…
me: DUDE you gotta try this burrito! its super good!
some bitch: naw dude theres this taco place by my house thats way better! its the best!
me: what? uhh why?
some bitch: it just tastes better. trust me.
i hate it when people say that kinda stuff where they think that their shit is much better just because of some stupid reason. and they think its and they think the reason is legit but theyre just actually super biased.
i never said my burrito was the best, i just said it was really good. i dont need you to pretty much tell me that my burrito sucks and that you know where the best burritos in the world are…
but that was just an example. this goes for pretty much anything though. i absolutely hate that shit.
thats why i think if you notice that when you talk to me about my opinion on something i always say shit like “its pretty good, its really good, or its alright or i dunno i didnt really like it too much” ill never ever go to the extremes like “HOLY FUCK this shit is the best in the WORLD! everything else sucks compared to this!” or “this possibly is the worst shit ever in history” ill never say that shit cuz i havent had the best or the worst of anything. only on my death bed can i determine what the best things in my life were. i dont need other people tell me so. an example in my life would be that i honestly honestly would rather buy a burrito from the greasy ass La Estrella taco truck on eagle rock blvd than from Chipotle, ANYfuckingDAY!
WOOOW terribly off topic…
life should be celebrated. and its such a waste of time to be dramatic, judgmental, cynical, jaded, and overall frustrated with anything.
just be happy, and be happy with yourself. thats something that ive repeatedly tried to do. being happy with myself is probably the hardest thing ever. i thought that if i changed id be much happier but it ended up making me more miserable. and i realized that youre fine the way you are. if people tell you that you should be acting a different way to be “better” Fuck them. you dont need them. and fuck yourself if you think you have to change to be better. but do you know who you need to be? no? ha dont feel too bad because as i said, no one really knows.
so this concludes my 400th post. its not as good as some of my other ones but again, im not sad today so my true potential hasnt been unleashed. lol.
if youre reading this, thanks for following me and letting me know your opinions. ( i really didnt think people read my blogs, it was mostly for myself anyway)
but yeah, ill have way more posts to come and ill continue the journey of becoming who i need to be.
so to answer the question of who i need to be or,
who am i and where am i going?
my answer?
fuck it, i dunno?
its almost impossible for me to think clearly. my mind is exploding with so many different things that i dont know what i should start with. but of course, i chose to start with probably the least productive thing which is Tumblr. ahhh yes tumblr, the place where i spilled the overflow of the thoughts in my head. and i typically only write when im sad or frustrated because those are my sources for inspiration. you can tell when im feeling something because my posts are filled with deeper thoughts and its all pretty much word vomit. yesterday night i couldve written such a post.
it wouldve went something like this.
To those of you who know me, youd know that i have been single for quite a while. ive been single since ive started college and was actually really content with my situation. but of course its my luck that right when im perfectly fine being alone, i immediately meet someone. now to those who have known me for more than 2 years you may notice that im a totally different person now when it comes to girls. i realized all the immature and stupid mistakes i made back then and i vowed to never put anyone through that again. i believed all the wrong things when it came to relationships and i was totally psycho. believe me when i tell you i was psycho. MULTIPLE people can vouch that i was. in fact, i was cleaning out my old computer back in LA and i found this word document i was gonna send to gianina. and when i read it again i literally laughed out loud. it was really funny to me because im positive that believed in everything i said when i wrote that 2 years ago. but now i couldnt stop laughing at the “old jed” well years have gone by since ive written that letter during that time ive sculpted my ideologies into what i thought they shouldve been. but whats ironic is that now, jen doesnt like the way i am. right now, i am NOT jealous, clingy, needy, psycho, or high maintenance. i dont get mad at all and i told her i trust her so she pretty much has the freedom to do anything she wanted to do and i wouldnt get mad because i trust that she knows her actions.
but what i see as trust, she sees as not caring.
but how should i show that i care? i care so much that i actually want her to have a good time even if it means im not there. right now i can honestly say im like the lowest maintenance boyfriend. all i ask is that you only like me and never keep anything from me or lie to me. if you can do that then im totally happy. i honestly dont know how i can show that i care. words are never enough.
she also asked me what it would take for me to love her. well theres a bit of a problem with that ill admit. mostly its because of her ex. if youve read my past blogs, you’ll know that i have an enormous problem trusting anyone. even my closest friends. with trust comes love. and its hard for me to trust jen with my heart because her ex is still lingering around. dont get me wrong cuz i trust her in other aspects but not yet with my heart. i already told her that its not my place to meddle with you and your ex because i understand that they were in love and they even ended on a good note. and plus they still talk to each other regularly so that plays a factor also.
honestly, i dont want to trust my heart to someone when theirs could still possibly belong to someone else. thats just a stupid move on my part.
ahh and the other thing is about jealousy. shes cute when shes jealous but it got kinda ridiculous last night while i was DJing. there was this girl there who kept coming up and talking to me. i ended up getting her number which i admit was not the smartest thing to do at the time because jen completely saw and it looked as if we were flirting or something. but in my mind it was totally platonic because shes in my psyc class and whats bad about making more friends in the classes youre in? but honestly i can see jens point of view to why she was mad. but damn its a trip cuz i was so used to being single its a new feeling to have to think about my actions. before i used to do anything and no one would care. gah ill probably get shit for writing this because she reads my tumblrs. fuck im not gonna change how i write. tumblr is my safe haven for writing.
damn i just wish i knew how to act. i thought i made myself ready in those 2 years but now i find myself learning everything all over again.
what should i do?
gahh the thoughts in my head match the answers to my questions…
they’re both clear as mud.
fuck it, i dunno?
You need to really ask if you want to be with Jen because you’ve tried this much already, why stop? Not necessarily stop but why bother with anyone else. If you’ve been dedicating time to Jen, you have to keep doing better each day. Don’t know what to say? It’s cool because it doesn’t always have to be “what did you do today?” Couples aren’t together to figure out how the other persons’ day went. If it’s obvious you don’t know what to check up on her about, talk about things you’d normally would talk to anyone else about where the only difference is that you would share more with her than anyone else.
I have a problem with you saying that you have a hard time trusting people because of love. Jed get over it, love isn’t some bitch haunting you. Love is love just like an apple is an apple; there’s always more on the tree. If you have such a problem with trusting even your closest friends, why are you trusting Jen so much? At least thats what I’m getting. She straight up asked you “what would it take for you to love me?” and from the looks of it, girls rarely ask a guy that. So what she talks to her ex? What is she going to fly back and have a relationship with old dude? No. I remember you telling us it ended on good terms but she’s asking you for love, not him.
Jed I understand the notion of not being in a relationship anymore and that you were so used to being single but if Jen really mattered then that is all that matters. If it’s anything else then deals over bro.
i do want to be with her and i know i should get over her ex cuz shes with me now but its been hard for me to let my guard down. i dunno what it is but i havent been able to fully trust anyone. i dunno what the exact quote was but it went something like “love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to” i just never wanted to give anyone that power anymore. something got fucked up inside my head after the first time. ill admit though im being pretty stupid cuz her ex is 3000 miles away and she does obviously feel really strongly for me and not him. theres always that uncertainty but thats the shit ill have to deal with. ah i guess i just need more sense talked into me. me being alone with my thoughts is never a good thing. i really do appreciate her and i do want to be with her. im just scared still. i probably will be for a while.
its almost impossible for me to think clearly. my mind is exploding with so many different things that i dont know what i should start with. but of course, i chose to start with probably the least productive thing which is Tumblr. ahhh yes tumblr, the place where i spilled the overflow of the thoughts in my head. and i typically only write when im sad or frustrated because those are my sources for inspiration. you can tell when im feeling something because my posts are filled with deeper thoughts and its all pretty much word vomit. yesterday night i couldve written such a post.
it wouldve went something like this.
To those of you who know me, youd know that i have been single for quite a while. ive been single since ive started college and was actually really content with my situation. but of course its my luck that right when im perfectly fine being alone, i immediately meet someone. now to those who have known me for more than 2 years you may notice that im a totally different person now when it comes to girls. i realized all the immature and stupid mistakes i made back then and i vowed to never put anyone through that again. i believed all the wrong things when it came to relationships and i was totally psycho. believe me when i tell you i was psycho. MULTIPLE people can vouch that i was. in fact, i was cleaning out my old computer back in LA and i found this word document i was gonna send to gianina. and when i read it again i literally laughed out loud. it was really funny to me because im positive that believed in everything i said when i wrote that 2 years ago. but now i couldnt stop laughing at the “old jed” well years have gone by since ive written that letter during that time ive sculpted my ideologies into what i thought they shouldve been. but whats ironic is that now, jen doesnt like the way i am. right now, i am NOT jealous, clingy, needy, psycho, or high maintenance. i dont get mad at all and i told her i trust her so she pretty much has the freedom to do anything she wanted to do and i wouldnt get mad because i trust that she knows her actions.
but what i see as trust, she sees as not caring.
but how should i show that i care? i care so much that i actually want her to have a good time even if it means im not there. right now i can honestly say im like the lowest maintenance boyfriend. all i ask is that you only like me and never keep anything from me or lie to me. if you can do that then im totally happy. i honestly dont know how i can show that i care. words are never enough.
she also asked me what it would take for me to love her. well theres a bit of a problem with that ill admit. mostly its because of her ex. if youve read my past blogs, you’ll know that i have an enormous problem trusting anyone. even my closest friends. with trust comes love. and its hard for me to trust jen with my heart because her ex is still lingering around. dont get me wrong cuz i trust her in other aspects but not yet with my heart. i already told her that its not my place to meddle with you and your ex because i understand that they were in love and they even ended on a good note. and plus they still talk to each other regularly so that plays a factor also.
honestly, i dont want to trust my heart to someone when theirs could still possibly belong to someone else. thats just a stupid move on my part.
ahh and the other thing is about jealousy. shes cute when shes jealous but it got kinda ridiculous last night while i was DJing. there was this girl there who kept coming up and talking to me. i ended up getting her number which i admit was not the smartest thing to do at the time because jen completely saw and it looked as if we were flirting or something. but in my mind it was totally platonic because shes in my psyc class and whats bad about making more friends in the classes youre in? but honestly i can see jens point of view to why she was mad. but damn its a trip cuz i was so used to being single its a new feeling to have to think about my actions. before i used to do anything and no one would care. gah ill probably get shit for writing this because she reads my tumblrs. fuck im not gonna change how i write. tumblr is my safe haven for writing.
damn i just wish i knew how to act. i thought i made myself ready in those 2 years but now i find myself learning everything all over again.
what should i do?
gahh the thoughts in my head match the answers to my questions…
they’re both clear as mud.
fuck it, i dunno?
You need balance duuude. People of the past are part of people’s lives. Regardless of bad breakups or mutual breakups— it was a breakup for a reason, and they got her to the place she’s at…which is with you.
Communication is key. So, because you don’t check up on her.. yeah, it seems like you don’t care if you don’t seem to worry where she is. It’s cute when a boyfriend is worried, not jealous. “I just wanna make sure you’re safe & doing okay” you know?
Don’t be a douche and get other girls numbers @ parties. You don’t need numbers to make friends. It’s called facebook. If you need anything more its called campus email. Then numbers. Unless you think you’re gonna hang out with this chick all the time, then get her number. And then at least reassure that its nothing. REASSUREE don’t get mad. That’s dumb.
Be understanding, communicationnn + TRUST.
well put. i know the getting the number thing came off really badly. i dont know what else to do! the main issue is that we’re with each other all the time already so i dont really know what to check up on? what should i do in that situation?
its almost impossible for me to think clearly. my mind is exploding with so many different things that i dont know what i should start with. but of course, i chose to start with probably the least productive thing which is Tumblr. ahhh yes tumblr, the place where i spilled the overflow of the thoughts in my head. and i typically only write when im sad or frustrated because those are my sources for inspiration. you can tell when im feeling something because my posts are filled with deeper thoughts and its all pretty much word vomit. yesterday night i couldve written such a post.
it wouldve went something like this.
To those of you who know me, youd know that i have been single for quite a while. ive been single since ive started college and was actually really content with my situation. but of course its my luck that right when im perfectly fine being alone, i immediately meet someone. now to those who have known me for more than 2 years you may notice that im a totally different person now when it comes to girls. i realized all the immature and stupid mistakes i made back then and i vowed to never put anyone through that again. i believed all the wrong things when it came to relationships and i was totally psycho. believe me when i tell you i was psycho. MULTIPLE people can vouch that i was. in fact, i was cleaning out my old computer back in LA and i found this word document i was gonna send to gianina. and when i read it again i literally laughed out loud. it was really funny to me because im positive that believed in everything i said when i wrote that 2 years ago. but now i couldnt stop laughing at the “old jed” well years have gone by since ive written that letter during that time ive sculpted my ideologies into what i thought they shouldve been. but whats ironic is that now, jen doesnt like the way i am. right now, i am NOT jealous, clingy, needy, psycho, or high maintenance. i dont get mad at all and i told her i trust her so she pretty much has the freedom to do anything she wanted to do and i wouldnt get mad because i trust that she knows her actions.
but what i see as trust, she sees as not caring.
but how should i show that i care? i care so much that i actually want her to have a good time even if it means im not there. right now i can honestly say im like the lowest maintenance boyfriend. all i ask is that you only like me and never keep anything from me or lie to me. if you can do that then im totally happy. i honestly dont know how i can show that i care. words are never enough.
she also asked me what it would take for me to love her. well theres a bit of a problem with that ill admit. mostly its because of her ex. if youve read my past blogs, you’ll know that i have an enormous problem trusting anyone. even my closest friends. with trust comes love. and its hard for me to trust jen with my heart because her ex is still lingering around. dont get me wrong cuz i trust her in other aspects but not yet with my heart. i already told her that its not my place to meddle with you and your ex because i understand that they were in love and they even ended on a good note. and plus they still talk to each other regularly so that plays a factor also.
honestly, i dont want to trust my heart to someone when theirs could still possibly belong to someone else. thats just a stupid move on my part.
ahh and the other thing is about jealousy. shes cute when shes jealous but it got kinda ridiculous last night while i was DJing. there was this girl there who kept coming up and talking to me. i ended up getting her number which i admit was not the smartest thing to do at the time because jen completely saw and it looked as if we were flirting or something. but in my mind it was totally platonic because shes in my psyc class and whats bad about making more friends in the classes youre in? but honestly i can see jens point of view to why she was mad. but damn its a trip cuz i was so used to being single its a new feeling to have to think about my actions. before i used to do anything and no one would care. gah ill probably get shit for writing this because she reads my tumblrs. fuck im not gonna change how i write. tumblr is my safe haven for writing.
damn i just wish i knew how to act. i thought i made myself ready in those 2 years but now i find myself learning everything all over again.
what should i do?
gahh the thoughts in my head match the answers to my questions…
they’re both clear as mud.
fuck it, i dunno?
![thedailywhat:
Lights out.
[fukung.]
haha](http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kxm1o5HwS41qzpwi0o1_400.jpg)
