Chaos Theory

ahhh life...

everyone needs to chill and the world needs to slow down…

we’re still young?

i just wish i didnt have anything to do… all i want is one day where im at home all day

post #305

so i was looking back my archives of tumblr and i realized that i wrote so many damn posts. most of the longer posts were during the times when i was heartbroken.  but over time the posts have gotten shorter and shorter which i guess is a good thing because now i dont really have that many things to gripe about because life has become awesome as of late.

well not really awesome, i mean theres a ton of shit going on but i dunno, im just happy now. ive gotten over everything but im still certainly damaged. and the repairs done to me have altered many of my perceptions about things. most of the repairs i got were good and i learned a ton of useful lessons but some are just bad. one bad thing and probably the biggest is that i learned that i need people on the trigger. it case something goes wrong, youre never left with nothing.

thats what i was mostly afraid of before and unfortunately i realized that worst fear. i was left with nothing and had nothing for a while. thats probably what made the heartache worse…

never again will i be left with nothing. i at least have 4 shots

fuck it i dunno

its a celebration!

tomorrow im gonna have a celebration at BJ’s to eat a pizookie. my first real meal without those things on. but i kinda miss them already.

this was a milestone i totally forgot about.

metaphorical puzzles

ill write something about that soon

yes, i've written this before.

when youre living your life with insomnia, you’re never really awake and you’re never really asleep.

every moment seems to just be a blur, the kind of blur you get when youre dreaming but youre aware of whats going on. the blur that when you wake up, you swear it was real.

the kind of blur that leaves you wondering if what just happened was a dream or a memory.

having insomnia is when you cant tell the difference.

trying to fall asleep is a whole different story.

i remember talking to my parents about how i have trouble sleeping. my mom blamed my lifestyle. my dad just told me to shut my eyes and clear my thoughts.

unfortunately for me, clearing my head of thoughts is nearly impossible. ive become uneasy when im left alone. it feels like i could be doing something more productive. but when im alone, i hardly get things done. ironically im more efficient with others around. surrounding myself with people makes it feel like im not wasting the day. its when my mind is clear.

when i am alone is when my brain goes into overdrive. you (the read ) must have had this before. this overdrive. for me, its when im thinking about something then all of a sudden, it correlates with other thoughts that i made a while ago. so when my mind makes the connections between the different thoughts, my mind goes on this endless stream of synapses trying to make sense of all the chaos in my head. all the chaos, resolved by a single thought of clairvoyance. all the pieces fitting together, all the stories making sense, weeks or months of experiences leading me to that one thought. my mind in overdrive.

however all things must be correct. every event must relate to one another and everything ive thought about must fit somewhere. if even if 1 little detail is off, the entire chain breaks down. funny how even the smallest detail can drastically change all the thoughts in my head. because that one detail may cause a small change in the next detail and those 2 details cause a change in the next one. seemingly starting off slow, but with enough momentum, the power of the little detail can become enormous. definition of the chaos theory.

if youve noticed, i kinda named my tumblr after what goes on in my mind.

many times have i encountered the effects of the chaos theory. its typically used for the world but who says it cant also be used psychologically.

when i reach a point of the chaos theory at work, my mind seems to reset itself, starting from the beginning thought and perhaps trying to rationalize the new change and trying to see how it fits into the whole or trying to uncover maybe an unrealized detail that could affect everything else. i cant even count the number of times that its happened to me. but that all happens while i lay down in bed. trying to fall asleep. trying to rid my mind of my thoughts. unfortunately, my thoughts wont go away till all the pieces in the metaphorical puzzle fit.

do all the pieces in the puzzle fit now?

-hell no they dont. but im getting really close.

ehh fuck it i dunno…

demetri martin is a genius

heres a 224 word poem.

but the catch is that the entire thing is a fucking palindrome.

a palindrome is a word that is spelled the same way backwards and forwards like “radar racecar mom dad wow,” or even “lion oil”

Dammit I’m mad.
Evil is a deed as I live.
God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.
To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.
Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?
Man, it is hot. I’m in it. I tell.
I am not a devil. I level “Mad Dog”.
Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp, 
In my halo of a mired rum tin.
I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.
Is evil in a clam? In a trap?
No. It is open. On it I was stuck.
Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.
Be still if I fill its ebb.
Ew, a spider… eh?
We sleep. Oh no!
Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.
Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.
Both, one… my names are in it.
Murder? I’m a fool.
A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,
A Goddam level I lived at.
On mail let it in. I’m it.
Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!
A loss it is alas (sip). I’d assign it a name.
Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:
“Sir, I deliver. I’m a dog”
Evil is a deed as I live.
Dammit I’m mad.\

fucking amazing

i cant find a title. but its all imo

in the past few months i havent been thinking much about anything. hell my life seems too busy to actually take time and use my brain for quiet thought instead of thinking about what i need to do next.

but this thought came to me while i was looking for new car.

first time in a while im gonna talk about relationships. i havent talked about it in a while mainly because im not searching for anyone…. AAaaaaaand ive been hooking up secretly so whats the need for a girlfriend? no kissing and telling.

anyway, i kinda made a comparison of old relationships and cars. its kinda weird and far fetched but bare with me.

when youre recently dumped, a lot of things go through your mind. for me, it was “she cant be serious” or “I cant believe this is happening” or ” how could she do that to me?!” and finally “i miss her sooo much!, i have to get her back!” all those things went through my mind, in that order. but what i failed to realize back then is that my relationship before was like getting a used car. at its prime, the relationship was working beautifully and you can rely on it to get you by. but as with everything, shit just starts to break down and finally it dies… (R.I.P 12/21/07, R.I.P 97 Honda Civic Ex)

sure, you can try to revive it, but even if you manage to get it running again, it just doesnt feel the same anymore. (im talking about both cars and relationships) at first youre happy because your in a familiar state and you can start to rely on it again but what happens is that it becomes less and less reliable and more and more difficult to manage. inevitably, you just have to let go. and in both cases you must go out and find something else.

but something happens when you try to find something else. your back fresh on the market but still have the memory of your past looming over your head. and subconsciously, you try to find the same thing again. maybe not the same exact model, but the same kind of car (…or relationship). you dont know that your doing this because in your MIND your thinking “pshh im gonna get a better and newer car. one that one break down on me and one i can totally rely on” but your heart is thinking something else. see for the longest time, your heart was condition of expect certain things, deal with certain problems, and perform a certain way. its exactly like driving your own car. for example, even though my civic was automatic, i knew how to play with the pedals to make the car shift into higher or lower rpms. might seem impossible but trust me, i know my civic. but the same thing goes for relationships, i already learned how to do things a certain way. how to treat her, what she likes, what she doesnt like. i could tell when shes mad, happy, and everything in between. point is, as for my relationship and car, i knew them both like the back of my hand. but of course, there are the unseen issues. just like a dying relationship, a car wont tell you the problems its having under the hood. sure the problems that are easily identifiable are fixable, but theres always the problems that you wont see coming until its too late. once its done and all over, your stuck with all this knowledge on how to do something with nothing to use it on. thats why, when you try to find something new, subconsciously you try to find something that reminds you of the old thing you used to have. youre thinking “hmmm i can totally handle this because ive been through it before” and if you cant use those skills, or the skills dont apply, then you automatically think something is wrong with your current “car” (or relationship!) and promptly end things. unknowing that its you who must realize that everything is different with something new. the skills you learned before cant be used. only adapted.

thats something i wish i knew in the beginning.

we use our old knowledge thinking it’ll apply in the new versions. but what we really shouldve done was look for something completely different to what we’re used to. try something new. because youre gonna need to learn new things no matter what or who you decide to go with.

dont get stuck thinking that youre capable of handling new things because of the stuff you learned from the old one. the knowledge for the most part is useless. and no matter how much practice you think you had, youre still not prepared.

that wasnt meant as a put down, just open ur damn eyes and go for something different. you’ll probably be much happier.

and if you dont wanna deal with that just have girls on the trigger. the feeling is also awesome. its like test driving a bunch of cars. but leaving your own groove in the seats… HA!

fuck it i dunno lol